Pondering the Nature of Relationships

Our other big relationship falling out was with a couple in the church over one of the most sensitive issues in people’s lives – their children. Even though people from the same church have the same teaching about raising children, every couple will implement that teaching in their own way. Every family has their own unique characteristics.

As we all began to have more children, we noticed how people did some things differently. As we believed that raising our children well was one of the most important things we could do, we believed it involved lots of time. Every parent has times when their kids drive them crazy but, in general, we loved being with ours. With this other particular couple, we noticed how they would often make other priorities that would separate them from their children. And even when they were with their children in a social setting, they often seemed to not even notice what their children were getting up to and other people had to correct them.

I considered it my duty to keep a constant watch over my children so that I could correct them when necessary. Sure, it’s harder for people who are more social (and this couple was very much so) because it cuts down on your social time. But I believe that’s the kind of attention a person signs up for when he or she becomes a parent. As the children get older and prove themselves more responsible, then they are given more and more autonomy.

We believed this couple’s lack of attention to their children was detrimental to their children’s well being. Of course, every child is different and the same child raising can have different results in different children, even within the same family. But we began to notice negative patterns that we thought were at least, in some part, attributable to the way they were raising their kids.

In general, their children tended to be unruly with no concern for how it affected other people or other people’s things. Our oldest daughter, Alexis was good friends with their oldest daughter. Although Alexis was certainly not perfect, she was very sweet and innocent and their daughter had a mean streak that she used to take advantage of Alexis.

We all taught our children that when they have a guest over, they should give them preference. A true friend will not take advantage of that but will graciously give and take. Not this friend. She would take and demand, leaving Alexis with whatever was left. We would drop comments about all this to the couple here and there but it didn’t seem to change anything.

One day we all went to a conference together over a long weekend. We had left our kids at home, which was difficult for Laura. After that conference there was another conference that this couple had been invited to and they were debating whether to go and leave their kids again. We advised against it but they decided to go anyway and asked us if we could watch their daughter. Once again, we expressed our reservations about them going but agreed to watch her. That was when a straw broke the camel’s back.

As usual, the other girl had been abusing Alexis’s hospitality during her stay. Then one day we walked into Alexis’s room to find that the girl had opened all of Alexis’s dresser drawers, pulled everything out and dumped it all on the floor. Alexis just had a look of stunned bewilderment on her face.

In our church, when we watched each other’s kids, we would typically ask each other how the kids did and if there was anything that we needed to address. I wasn’t there when they picked up their daughter so when I got home I asked Laura if they had asked. They hadn’t, which was just another sign to us that they weren’t fully engaged, or maybe didn’t even want to know.

If we know that someone is at least attempting to work at something, we are more than happy to help in any way we can. But when we see, despite effective teaching and example, someone who seems unwilling to focus on the task at hand, we find ourselves at a loss. So in the interest of protecting Alexis, I called the husband and told him that we would no longer allow his daughter to come to our house until she changed.

He was distraught and suddenly very interested in asking what had happened while they were gone. We had not said anything to the daughter herself or to Alexis. I didn’t feel like they needed to know. I told him that I expected that our daughters would remain good friends. Even though it was their daughter’s behavior that had led to this, I ultimately saw it as a parenting issue. They were the ones that needed to set the guidelines with their children for acceptable behavior.  

He asked for my advice. All I could think of at the time was to set guidelines and coach her on them before she went somewhere. Parents want their children to do well when they’re away from us so that’s the way we used to send them off – reminding them of the rules and etiquette that we expected of them and asking the adults about their behavior when they returned. Those were the things I reminded my friend about again. As you can imagine, that was not the end of it.

We set up a double date with the two of us couples. At that meeting, we discussed the wider issue of their children’s behavior in general and about what we perceived as their lack of focus in parenting. I told them that it was difficult for me to even be around their children. If they were at our house I felt like I had to constantly watch them. They were so out of control that something was going to get broken, including one of my kids. It caused me such constant stress that I couldn’t even relax and enjoy our time together.

They listened but it was hard for them to take. The wife had been hoping that we wouldn’t dive in until she had finished eating because once we started, she was so distraught that she couldn’t finish her food. The husband asked me why we hadn’t taken the steps laid out in the Bible in Matthew 18 with them about this. That is where it tells Christians, that if they have something serious that they need to bring up with another Christian, they first need to take it to them privately. If the person doesn’t respond, then they need to take someone else with them to discuss again. Then if they don’t respond, they tell it to the church.

In hindsight, I felt like that was a valid point. But at the time, we weren’t thinking about it so rationally or methodically. We felt like the comments that we had made here and there over the years had just been brushed off and this final flashpoint had triggered a reactionary response.

He also challenged us that, with my constant concern over his children breaking our stuff, I cared more about things than people. I disagreed. It’s one thing to not be too concerned about someone accidentally breaking something. It’s quite another for someone to have so little respect for other people’s things that it’s a constant likelihood that they will damage something. I find that how we treat other people’s things partially reveals how much we care about others. 

The couple told us that no one else had ever talked to them about all this. I knew that it wasn’t because no one else saw it. Not wanting to gossip, we hadn’t discussed it to anyone specifically. But through many a frustrated look, correction of their kids and off the cuff comments by others, we knew that other people felt the same. I imagine no one else said anything because no one else wanted to go through the inevitable friction it would cause. We were only doing it because it had all come to a head for us. As word got out about what had happened, other people let us know they did feel the same. One other couple said that they had gotten to the point of being so frustrated that they were about to say something. 

I did see the husband trying to implement some of what we had discussed. I saw him trying to watch over and correct his kids in social settings. But he told me that one time when he was doing it at a mutual friend’s house, the friend told him he was being overly picky and needed to chill out. He also told me that at another mutual friend’s house who was wealthier, with more expensive stuff, there didn’t seem to be any misgivings about their kids. We later heard that one of his children did some significant damage to that house and they required them to pay for part of the repair.

All this really got me pondering the subject of friendship in general. What is the nature of friendship exactly and what, if any, is my responsibility toward those whom I consider friends? It seems that friendship, at its most basic, is camaraderie based in mutual interest. That can be really shallow or get very deep.

Extroverts tend to have an emotional need for friends. With introverts like me, it can be more of an intellectual thing. I know that I need friends but I typically don’t make much effort. I just take them as they come – and don’t take them when what comes is negative.

I also realized again that I tend to view friendship, like most things, through the investment/return lens. What I invest into a friendship is based on what I am getting or going to get out of it. Actually, I think that is a significant aspect what friendship is. A large part of the connection between friends is a mutual fondness of what the other person brings to the friendship. 

The deeper the friendship, the more a person will naturally serve the friend. But if the other person changes and those things which you enjoy about them are gone, then the friendship wanes and serving them becomes more of a charitable thing, rather than based in mutual affection. Some people are just naturally good at serving and giving, yet others of us have to make more of a conscious effort at it. It’s not that we don’t want to serve others. It’s just that our thoughts are so internalized that we don’t think about it. If it is presented to me, I am usually more than happy to serve, even if it’s a sacrifice for someone who is not a friend. Ultimately I want to serve others out of a desire to serve God.

All friendships go through difficult patches. At those times, the depth of the relationship determines whether it is something you work through or just let it go. As Christians, the Bible tells us that we should always try to work things out between ourselves and others. But sometimes, as much as you try, you have a mutual disagreement that cannot be fully resolved. 

As our relationship with this couple got more difficult, I pondered all this. Our relationship didn’t come to an end right away. We remained friends for many years, although we slowly grew more distant. At first we still very much enjoyed their friendship couple to couple. It also wasn’t as much stress for me with their kids if we were at their house or a neutral setting. We did also try to have them all over to our house a few more times but it remained difficult. People’s children are so much a part of who they are that if others can’t have a relationship with the whole family then it can tend to put a kabosh on any of the individual connections as well.

While we had moved away for a period of time, they eventually left our church during a time of turmoil and decided they didn't want anything to do with anyone associated with it anymore. When we got back, any attempt to connect was rebuffed and our relationship was over.